Words Fitly Spoken

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” – Proverbs 25:12

One thing about sheltering in place is that it’s given us a closer view of our oldest daughter edging into adolescence. She’s become in some ways more opaque and private; in others more vulnerable and close. It’s a push-and-pull feeling that reminds me of the swimming pool analogy Lisa Damour uses in her book “Untangled”: it’s like the world is a swimming pool, and you are the wall. She’ll be unexpectedly warm and intimate one moment, clinging to the wall, then want to push off again the next moment, even if that comes off in a rude way. Enjoy the closeness, but don’t take the push-off’s personally, Damour writes. “Your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings.”

Talking with her, I’m realizing, means reading where she is in the pool: heading towards the wall? At the wall, waiting for me? Pushing off or already out in the water? There isn’t necessarily a consistent rhythm to it. Even practical skills seem to develop at an uneven pace: she might insist on doing something complicated entirely on her own, yet want me to help with a simpler task. I need to relearn when to give her space and when to reinforce boundaries, when to just listen and when to speak—and all of that requires studying her carefully, and sifting and re-sifting through my own motives.

Eugene Peterson translates this verse, “The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry.” Making custom jewelry requires that you study the subject, that you understand their personal style and preferences, yet also know what would look good on them. It means you have a vision for how they could look. It means you take time in crafting and giving thought to what you will make. But there’s something wonderful about the idea that our words, even (or especially) our reproof, can make someone more beautiful than they already are. That is how I want my words to my adolescent to be: this word fitly spoken. Surely the work that would go into that is worth it.

Defining Success

“Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.”

- Proverbs 3:3-4

A bunch of us from Highway went to a seminar called “Kids Under Pressure” at Stanford last week that highlighted our area’s narrow definition of success. Lisa Damour, the main speaker, pointed out that parents basically want their kids to be happy. They correlate happiness with professional or economic success. They then do some backwards-engineering and assume their kids must get into a good college; therefore grades now matter. The actual studies do not bear this out. Once above the poverty line, increased income is not associated with additional benefits to well-being. There is no correlation between attending a prestigious college and career success. Rather, she said, studies suggest that well-being is correlated to four things: having high-quality relationships, doing work one finds meaningful, feeling you’re good at your job, and physical health. Thus, rather than obsessing about our kids’ grades, we should emphasize high standards of ethical behavior. We should articulate our values and model them. We should resist society’s narrow definition of success and embrace our child’s unique interests and strengths.

Sounds good, but doesn’t seem to go far enough. It made me ask the question, what is success? How do we define it for our kids? I asked that once to our community group and the consensus was, “success is success”—you know it when you see it, but you can’t quite define it. Perhaps it’s money, power, influence, a sense of happiness, educational pedigree. How would the Bible define success?

Surprisingly, I don’t think “success” is much of a Biblical concept. I remember doing a word study and being surprised at how infrequently the word even appears. The more I think about it, the more I feel the whole idea is a construct of our society: it is something inherently comparative and external. Neither of those are values in the kingdom of God. The people who would have been deemed “successful” in Jesus’ day would have been the Romans, or the Pharisees. It seems to me the Bible talks more about faithfulness. The master says, “well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25), not “well done, successful individual!” It’s an essential shift in worldview: our purpose is not to establish our individual selves in the eyes of the world, but to be faithful to what we have been entrusted with in the eyes of God. Being wealthy, commercially successful, academically acclaimed, is not bad (see Joseph of Arimathea, Lydia, Paul), but only as it relates to our ability to leverage those things in our faithfulness.

Asking “how do I raise successful children?” is only helpful insofar as we define success as meeting a predetermined goal, insofar as it prompts us to be intentional in our parenting. One answer I heard is that success is raising kids who love God and love others with all their heart, soul and strength—their heart, soul and strength, which means through their unique vocation, giftings, abilities. In that framework, achievement is not bad, but it is seen not as an essential determinant of well-being or worth, but as a vessel for faithfulness. We support our children’s achievements as an act of stewardship, a being faithful to how God has positioned us, but never as an ends unto itself. Because we care about their ability to have steadfast love and faithfulness, we care about their strength of character, emotional health, ability to handle conflict and stress, and many other inner and unseen things just as much, if not more, than anything that goes on a resume. 

Living as part of the world, but not of the world, in the area of academic achievement feels like a landmine. Environmental cues and pressures are strong. Situations are complex. We are biased by our own experiences. Remember what you are about, Solomon urges. Steadfast love, never fear; faithfulness, never success for its own sake: bind them close, write them on your heart, and true favor will follow.