Reacting and Responding

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” – Proverbs 29:11

There is a difference between reacting and responding. More often than not I find that being too quick to react inhibits my ability to respond well. If there is one parenting lesson I am slowly, slowly learning over the course of these past six months, it is that quite often the very best thing to do in the moment is not to react. Not snap back, not lecture, not vent. Not say anything, even if the words are forming in my mind, bursting to be spoken; even if they are fully justified. I’ve been doing an experiment of sorts, and found that each time I have consciously held back, a better outcome has resulted. I’ve never regretted it.

This doesn’t mean I don’t respond, but in fact helps me respond better. It allows the cloud of my emotions to pass by so I can focus on what my child needs with greater clarity. It allows me to assess for optimal timing, to choose my words with greater care. It often prevents an angry outburst or an escalated argument, which end up being more destructive than productive. It opens a window for grace. It guides me towards correction that points to the gospel, rather than becoming tinged with personal vindictiveness.

In the book Every Moment Holy, Douglas McKelvey writes “A Liturgy for a Moment of Frustration at a Child”:

Let me not react in this moment, O Lord,

in the blindness of my own emotion.

Rather give me—a fellow sinner—

wisdom to respond with a grace

that would shepherd my child’s heart

toward your mercies,

   so equipping them

   for the hard labors

   of their own pilgrimage.