Satisfaction Of The Soul

“My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food.” – Psalm 63:5

Isn’t this what we all want from Thanksgiving? We want to be satisfied with food, good food, abundant food. But really, we want all the things that food represents: tradition, home, gathering, warmth. I’ve had some really great Thanksgivings in my life. I’ve flown homesick down the coast on fall breaks, anticipating the day my mom would stick a turkey in the oven early in the morning, the aroma wafting through the house all day. I’ve sat down around a table crowded full with old and new friends here in California. I’ve made the same stuffing and cranberry conserve recipes for years, perfected a dry brine, and this year nailed the gravy.

But still something is missing. I feel like this about many holidays as I grow up. I find myself longing for a holiday in my memory that probably never existed: a pureness of joy. Less toil. My degree of preparation and delight perfectly matched by those around me. True belonging and understanding. No one missing. 

These, I realize, are soul-hungers. My own particular soul-hungers. God, I see that my hunger is for you. Your glory breaks down upon me now through these moments: times like today when life stops so we can gather around a turkey on a table. But these are just glimpses. David said, my soul will be satisfied with marrow and fatness. With fat and fatness. It was like he was trying to capture something he couldn’t quite put sufficiently into words, this idea of something that is what we long for on the tongue, but then that stays with us in the belly. True satiation of the soul.  Can my soul truly be satisfied with anyone else? With anything else?

So, after everyone leaves, after the clamor stops and the leftovers are packed and the dishes done, I meditate on you in the watches of the night. I don’t think David is satisfied at the time he is writing this; it seems like he’s in a difficult place, or at least that he’s searching. But he writes this like a promise. I remember you, God. I meditate on you. And my soul will be satisfied.