An Excellent Wife

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4

Most of us think a good deal about how to excel in parenting, in our careers, in housekeeping, in organizing events, in working out. How often do I think about what it means to be an excellent wife to my husband? My marriage matters the most for anything else I do: as Tim Keller says, “if your marriage is strong, you step out into the world in strength; if your marriage is weak, you step out into the world in weakness.” My parents always say, “the most important give you can give your children is a healthy marriage.” My marriage is also one my greatest callings in life: as Francis Chan writes, “Because I am crazy about Lisa, I want her to have a great life. But more than that, I want her to have a great eternity. I want her to look back at her life without regret. I want her to be confident that the time she spent on earth prepared her for heaven. Most importantly, I want her to hear God say, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master’ (Matt. 25:23).”

I know these things, but sometimes the most important things are also the least urgent, the least vocal ones. My work and ministry ask me for things. My kids ask me for things. Dave does not go around asking me, “have you thought about me today? Have you prayed for me today? How are you preparing me for eternity?”

But Proverbs tells me that what I bring to Dave in my marriage will be evident over time. A crown is by nature external and visible. It proclaims and reflects the glory, identity, and worth of the person wearing it. In contrast, osteomyelitis is initially invisible and can take a long time to develop. But bones are meant to support and move the body; they are the very scaffolding of life, and when they become infected, fever, pain, fatigue, immobility and permanent damage results. 

The word “excellent” here is Hebrew chavil, most often translated “army.” It refers to a person of valor and strength, to forces in battle, which lends perhaps a more military connotation than would be apparent in the English reading. Crowns were often given after battle, as we see with David in 2 Samuel 12:30.

I am going to end up being one of two things for Dave: someone who battles with all my strength for his eternal good, who becomes his very crown, his reward and glory—or someone who saps his energy, cripples him for the fight, is a caries in his life. The contrast is drastic, but consider that there is not a middle option described here. I am living towards one or the other of these ends in some way every day in our marriage. I can think of couples who have been together a long time, where the wife has strengthened her husband, proclaimed his worth, and herself become more beautiful by it. I can also think of couples where the wife has immobilized and drained the life from her husband. Where are we on this spectrum? What does it mean for me to be an excellent wife today?