Ponders Or Pours

“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” – Proverbs 15:28

Why is it easy to speak to nearly everyone else in our lives with more kindness than to our spouse? We can reserve for our spouses not necessarily open disrespect, but a careless, curt, or snappy manner of speech that we would not use to address anyone else. It’s the kind of speech that leaks out in everyday, private moments, when we’re already drained from work, the kids fighting, or any number of other stressors.

The truth is, speaking with care and affection takes a certain level of emotional reserve and intentionality, which I habitually apply to my children, my patients, my friends and ministry partners, more than I do to my husband. I’m grateful he’s a steadfast and safe listener, but there’s a difference between honestly sharing my struggles with him, and displacing my frustrations upon him, and it’s alarmingly easy to forget that he is just as (if not more) deserving and in need of my affection as anyone else. Particularly if you are, like me, not a terribly sensitive person, these things can escape awareness, but they inevitably accrue to affect the atmosphere of the marriage in a way that has effects.

There are two words at play in this proverb, both evoking sounds. “Ponders” is Hebrew hagah and means literally “to murmur, to mutter, to growl”: it is used of the growl of a lion over his prey (discussed in the first post on this blog), of low thunder, of the muttering of an enchanter, of the sound of a harp when struck, of the cooing of doves. These are sounds that create atmosphere, that linger or herald. When we ponder our words, we pause and mull them over. We try them out first in our minds. We consider the tone and pitch they set; we consider how they will go down for the listener; what they portend. 

“Pours” is Hebrew naba and means “to gush out”: the sound of the word itself is meant to mimic that of boiling or bubbling water. When we pour out our words in this sense, we are not in real control; we are letting our words run the path of least resistance. We are deluging the listener. We are venting rather than sharing. We are not being thoughtful.

For some reason, when we pour out our words, they are more likely to be harmful, even evil. Pondering our words gives us the ability to be more intentional about the atmosphere we are creating in our marriage. It is the bent of a heart that cares about righteousness, ultimately not about pleasing our spouse, but being right with God. Our spouse, after all, is His son or daughter, entrusted to us while they are on this earth, as much as He has entrusted to us our children or ministries. God, help me understand the effect of my words on my husband, and to treat him with the care and genuine affection that he needs, that reflects his true worth to me and my true care for him.