Slow To Anger

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” – Proverbs 14:29

I heard someone say once that the more kids you have, either the messier or the tidier you become. For me, it’s definitely the latter. Some of this is simply the influence of authors like Don Aslett and Marie Kondo, and coming to value simplicity. But some of it is a response to the inherent chaos of having four kids, which seems mitigated to me somehow by having a decluttered physical space. Sometimes, though, this can lead to a kind of material idolatry, where the natural accidents and entropies of parenting become an insult to my ability to maintain a sense of self in my possessions and space.

The other day, I was teaching Elijah piano (he makes the cutest clicking noise with his teeth whenever he plays a note on the beat) when I noticed Ellie trying to rub something off our big, wooden dining table. Then Dave joined. I could feel my heart rate rise as he started getting out various cleaning solutions. I arrived to find that a paint pen the kids had left out had leaked. The paint had pooled all day, resulting in a spill that had eroded the superficial layers of the table, leaving a large discolored, indented stain. 

As we tried everything to ameliorate the damage, without success, I could feel my frustration rising. I liked this table. It cost a lot. It would take more energy than I felt I had to figure out how to refinish it. The kids should have cleaned up immediately like I’m always asking them to. What I wanted to do was start yelling. I could hear myself beginning to talk with a sharp tone of voice, beginning to think the worst of everyone. At that point I left and went to another room.

This proverb is about breathing. The word for anger, aph, literally means “nostril” and refers to an anger that manifests in hard breathing. The words for quick-tempered are qatser ruwach, “hasty in the breath.” This verse is not talking about the kind of anger that is a righteous, steady opposition to evil. It is talking about the kind marked by speed and tachypnea. The kind that accelerates your breathing. The kind you feel before you think about. This verse is not saying that anger is always unfounded. It is simply saying that the smart thing to do is to slow it down. To let it accelerate is to exalt, or literally lift up, folly. To make yourself one who worships foolishness.

I’m pretty bad at this. I generally find I have to physically remove myself from the situation, sometimes even distract myself with something else, and wait until I feel myself calming down. As I did that night, a thought came clearly to me: the table is not eternal. The soul of your child is. It seems obvious, but that’s how foolish anger is, how much it distorts my perspective. We ended up painting over the stain and having a good talk about all the lessons it would remind us of. I told the kids mine was the importance of slowing down my anger and remembering what really matters.