Answering Before Hearing

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13

I grew up in a family of speed-talking girls. Both my sisters talk as fast as, if not faster than, me, which meant we could get a lot of conversational ground covered at any given time, but which somehow evolved over the years into a tendency to interrupt each other. It wasn’t until I married Dave, and he called me out on it, that I realized how much I habitually interrupt others, think ahead as they talk, predict what they’re going to say, and finish their sentences for them. I got pretty good in medical school at anticipating what attendings would say and answering questions before they were asked, and in some ways that made me a good student, and was a natural manifestation of the enthusiasm and efficiency I valued, but I’ve since realized how annoying it can be.

There is nothing that shuts off the desire to share more than someone asking, “how are you?” and then interrupting you after you’ve barely started with assertions and assumptions about how you must be feeling or how similar this is to something they’ve gone through. Put simply, it makes you feel that you are not being heard, and thus not being valued. It is an act of vulnerability to share. It requires an expenditure of energy and thought to share. And neither of those are honored when the other person answers before he even listens.

When it comes to answering well, the first thing we must do is listen well. Very often we realize our assumptions are not entirely correct. We learn to listen for underlying subtexts, surrounding contexts, accompanying attitudes, and all the other layers that are at the heart of what someone is asking or sharing. Perhaps we ought not even respond with an answer, but as Jesus so often did, with another question. To listen well before answering is still something I’m very much learning to do. But it is the way to wisdom and honor. To answer before we hear is folly and shame.