Wednesday, June 3, 2020

God Remembers

“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.” – Isaiah 49:15

Breastfeeding has irrevocably changed how I read this verse. With each baby, I went through a period of painful engorgement that I distinctly recall thinking was worse than giving birth without anesthesia. Even after that eased, I was always physically uncomfortable, or at least unavoidably aware, when it was time to nurse. The body is pretty amazing if you think about it. It was literally not biologically possible for me to forget my nursing child. 

But there was an emotional tie as well. I would feel the milk come in when I heard my baby crying, or actually any baby crying, even if it was in between a feeding cycle. And there was so much more to the experience than simply the meeting of a physical need: there was the closeness and warmth, the little fist clutching my shirt, the dopey milk-high grins afterwards, the satisfying burps (and poops). There was the haven of time away, together, from the rest of life, the two of us in our own little world. I remember wondering if it was possible to hold someone for forty-five minutes every three hours, and not love them.

I remember how it felt too to have to pump at work. With our first baby, I was an office-less resident, hauling about pump, bottles, tubing, ice packs to every clinic and operating room I rotated through. There wasn’t any precedent for residents having babies in my program, and I remember rushing around in between cases and patients, trying to ferret out some kind of private space (with an outlet) to pump. Even at work, I could not leave breastfeeding behind.

It’s difficult to read this verse without those memories rushing back. No—biologically, emotionally, logistically—no, it is not easy to forget one’s nursing child. What other reassurance do I need, that God always sees and remembers me, in my fiercest and most vulnerable needs and laments, whether I feel it or not? Through every exile, through every tragedy and injustice, God will not forget us.

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