Escalators and Fires

“For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases.” – Proverbs 26:20

Part of the art of fighting well is refraining from escalating arguments. Fighting is part of a healthy relationship and can be helpful in bringing to light issues that need more work or communication. A relationship without any disagreements probably means it hasn’t gone deep enough yet, or, even worse, has gone to the other extreme and both parties have become disengaged. 

But, of course, fighting can become incredibly destructive. The tongue is like a fire, James writes, difficult to control. It takes an incredible amount of intention and practice to learn how to let fights illuminate important issues and spark important conversations, while not allowing them to become hurtful or destructive. Early on in our relationship, Dave and I agreed on a list of rules for fights, which included general things like “never use the word divorce” and “never bring up things about the person that they can’t change,” as well as items specific to our fighting styles, like “it’s okay to leave to cool down, but give a general window of return.”

What we’ve learned over time, though, is that it’s much easier and more strategic to control fights before they escalate to the point where you need lists like those. Fights are like fires: they’re harder to start than to keep going. They’re easier to quench early on. Fights don’t bloom on their own: they require kindling. Whether you are conscious of it or not, you have to feed fights for them to come to life. And it always takes two. Even one of us choosing not to escalate can change the course of the entire argument.

One of the challenges during the first few weeks of sheltering in place were the fights that would pop up between the kids like little fires throughout the day. Some would get worse than others, and one day we sat down and had a talk about it means to escalate and de-escalate fights. Fights, I told them, are like a tall building you walk into. There are different stories in this building. It’s easier to go up a story than to come down a story, and the higher you go up, the harder it becomes to go down. The higher you go up, the more damage you do to the relationship, and some arguments go so high that there’s permanent hurt that takes a lot of work to heal from. You can choose whether or not to take the escalator to the next floor. Escalators are any thoughts or actions that rile you up. We brainstormed what these could be: thinking “he always does this” or “I deserve this.” Physical aggression, rolling of the eyes, using words like “always” or “never.” Raising the volume of our voices. All these things take us up to the next story of the building. There are also escalators going down, like leaving the room to calm down, going to find mommy for help. Using statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” Getting something to eat if hunger is playing a role. Simply not saying anything for the moment. 

What are your escalators and de-escalators? What are the whispers, the small thoughts and actions, that feed the fires of your arguments? There’s probably no better time than now to work on how to fight well.