Arrows, Part One: Seeing Our Children

“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” – Psalm 127:4-5

How are children like arrows? Last year at Mt. Hermon family camp, Bryan Loritts made a few points on this topic that are worth elaboration. An arrow is useless unless someone picks it up, he said: we steward our children through relationship. 

The first step is to see our children. Nothing happens if an arrow is not noticed, picked up, held by hand, known so thoroughly that its unique purpose becomes evident. Recently a New York Times article came out entitled, “Do You Really ‘See’ Your Child?” The authors, Seigel and Bryson, point out that parents today feel increasing pressure to practice “hyper-parenting,” which seems particularly common here, where affluent families spend huge amounts of time and money to give their children every conceivable advantage, from language immersion to tutoring to sports to music lessons. Yet, they say, research suggests that raising healthy, happy kids requires only one thing: showing up. 

“Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—into this moment with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child right now.” Really seeing your child for who they are means not looking through the filter of who we’d like them to be, or the filter of our own fears or desires. It means not using labels or comparisons to categorize our children and being willing to look beyond initial assumptions. “In the end… you just have to show up, allowing your kids to feel that you get them and that you’ll be there for them, no matter what. When you do that, you’ll be teaching them how to love, and how relationships work. They’ll be more likely to choose friends and partners who will see and show up for them, and they’ll learn how to do it for others.”

This all sounds pretty basic, but it’s harder to do than it sounds, whether you’ve fallen somewhere on the spectrum of intensive-parenting or simply find it easier to get chores and errands done instead of getting on the floor to play with your child. We obviously can’t “show up” for all our kids all the time, but it helps to build in the margin and space to do so, to have regular practices that remind us to check in with how our kids are really doing, and in the end simply to be mindful that seeing is more intentional than it may appear. When was the last time you really saw your children? Do your kids feel seen by you for who they truly are?